( Most of this post was erased, I had to completely revamp it, so the events are not what actually happened but are written to mirror what actually happened. It doesn't really suffice since this was a big chunk of the whole story, but I had to do it. Sorry guys. )
After that incident with Pam at B.'s apartment, our relationship went steadily downhill. B. called it quits sometime after that in the winter. I went into depression. At first I called him a lot with some hope of still lasting, but after a week of his indifferent tone of voice I gave up because I figured he didn't care anymore, let the man have his peace. I stayed home mostly, and I slept a lot. I became forgetful, it seemed like I was already dead. I was tired often and slept mostly the whole day. I would come home from school and just plop on my bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour and then fall asleep until dinner. My appetite was lost, I ate very little. Most days I skipped dinner and just slept right through. I did not call him, and whereas the sound of the phone used to spark hope that it was him, it no longer did. I had given up already, I wanted a quick peel of the band-aid.
December was a lonely month. The order of these events may not be in order, it's all a big blur, I wouldn't remember December at all if I had not gotten so sick. I called B. and told him about my condition which wasn't really that bad, but he took me to the doctor and he took care of me.
My getting sick must have evoked some sympathy in B. He became caring and worried about me. He took me out to lunch and dinners and made sure I was comfortable and tended to my needs. I let him, it was easier that way.
I got well after a few days. B. took care of me, he took off from work early to check up on me at his place. My parents left before Christmas because they had to work, so I spent Christmas with B.'s family. It felt good to be around a family, I had been feeling so apart from my own family lately, they were always working.
Christmas and New Year's was magical. I felt good after so long of feeling nothing. It feels like a beautiful rainfall when you haven't been able to feel any real emotion for so long and then you finally feel something. I still did not consider B. my boyfriend, I did not even want to think about it. I just wanted to feel Okay, and I was Okay just having fun without feeling all the pressure.
Shortly after, B. asked me if I would go back to being his girlfriend. He said Christmas and New Year's was just like how it used to be, Could we have that again? At first I did not agree, I said the reason it was that way was because there was no attachments and I could just be me, and not worry about us. I said maybe we should just remain the way we are.
The look on his face broke my heart. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay. He was like my little baby who scraped his elbow and I wanted to kiss his boo-boo away. I wanted him to stop looking that way, extremely glum, shot down. I did not want to make him feel that way.
"Okay, Okay, I can be your girlfriend again" I said.
"No, you don't really want to. I don't want you to if you don't really want to."
"I really want to."
We went on like that for a little while, while we walked to his friend's place for dinner. I remember that night when he asked me that, because it was a beautiful night out in New York City. We were outside of J&R in City Hall, it was winter, and I remember thinking it was such a perfect winter night. So I gave up, and I became his girlfriend again. My first feeling was not to, because I knew the reasons why it seemed so perfect on Christmas and New Year's. When we took those reasons away and applied all the issues we had as a couple, I wasn't too sure of how we would hold up.
After that incident with Pam at B.'s apartment, our relationship went steadily downhill. B. called it quits sometime after that in the winter. I went into depression. At first I called him a lot with some hope of still lasting, but after a week of his indifferent tone of voice I gave up because I figured he didn't care anymore, let the man have his peace. I stayed home mostly, and I slept a lot. I became forgetful, it seemed like I was already dead. I was tired often and slept mostly the whole day. I would come home from school and just plop on my bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour and then fall asleep until dinner. My appetite was lost, I ate very little. Most days I skipped dinner and just slept right through. I did not call him, and whereas the sound of the phone used to spark hope that it was him, it no longer did. I had given up already, I wanted a quick peel of the band-aid.
December was a lonely month. The order of these events may not be in order, it's all a big blur, I wouldn't remember December at all if I had not gotten so sick. I called B. and told him about my condition which wasn't really that bad, but he took me to the doctor and he took care of me.
My getting sick must have evoked some sympathy in B. He became caring and worried about me. He took me out to lunch and dinners and made sure I was comfortable and tended to my needs. I let him, it was easier that way.
I got well after a few days. B. took care of me, he took off from work early to check up on me at his place. My parents left before Christmas because they had to work, so I spent Christmas with B.'s family. It felt good to be around a family, I had been feeling so apart from my own family lately, they were always working.
Christmas and New Year's was magical. I felt good after so long of feeling nothing. It feels like a beautiful rainfall when you haven't been able to feel any real emotion for so long and then you finally feel something. I still did not consider B. my boyfriend, I did not even want to think about it. I just wanted to feel Okay, and I was Okay just having fun without feeling all the pressure.
Shortly after, B. asked me if I would go back to being his girlfriend. He said Christmas and New Year's was just like how it used to be, Could we have that again? At first I did not agree, I said the reason it was that way was because there was no attachments and I could just be me, and not worry about us. I said maybe we should just remain the way we are.
The look on his face broke my heart. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay. He was like my little baby who scraped his elbow and I wanted to kiss his boo-boo away. I wanted him to stop looking that way, extremely glum, shot down. I did not want to make him feel that way.
"Okay, Okay, I can be your girlfriend again" I said.
"No, you don't really want to. I don't want you to if you don't really want to."
"I really want to."
We went on like that for a little while, while we walked to his friend's place for dinner. I remember that night when he asked me that, because it was a beautiful night out in New York City. We were outside of J&R in City Hall, it was winter, and I remember thinking it was such a perfect winter night. So I gave up, and I became his girlfriend again. My first feeling was not to, because I knew the reasons why it seemed so perfect on Christmas and New Year's. When we took those reasons away and applied all the issues we had as a couple, I wasn't too sure of how we would hold up.
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